FOOT

Today, I went to the "foot doctor" ("podiatrist") ("pediatrist") (I don't know!) (I took SPANISH in high school NOT LATIN!). A few days ago, a NEGLIGENT staff member stepped on my left big toe--that I had PREVIOUSLY surgery on--and it bled. This is why I went.
The "foot doctor" said that he could "DEFINITELY see the problem", because of the "dried blood". Overall, the trip went well.
So help them, God, if this "institution" bills my family for THEIR negligence! I probably seem kind of "Scrooge"-like, but "IT'S THE PRINCIPLE!"

"The cushions are THE ESSENCE of the chair!"

I was fitted (passive voice) for a power wheel chair. The guy asked me about
the color (It was black and RED.). I told him that "I prefer black and BLUE"
like a bruise. I, then did some "driving".

"VOGUE! VOGUE!"

You can admit it: You NEED MORE of me!
Well (MUCH to your chagrin), there's only so much of me to give!
I HAVE noticed that I can move my left body parts more.
Other than that, it's all G R A D U A L .

"Baby Steps"

In O.T. yesterday, I put a shirt on--over the shirt I was wearing--so quickly that my O.T. ("Occupational Therapist" to the layperson) called me "Speedy Gonzalez".

"No news is good news, unless it's Gary Guhnews!"

Do you see anyone named Gary around?
Same sh--, different day, here. I just get frustrated with all of the "shenanigans" (""Okay, the next person to say "shenanigans" gets pistol-whipped!""--'Super Troopers) that other clients cause. I ALMOST wish that I couldn't comprehend it. Like, I ALMOST wish that I "were" (hypothetical) retarded. Write that down!

CLARIFICATION

Many of the therapy aides work here as students, so they have to do "projects" as part of their externships. My "Physical Therapist" is her "project" about me. I pre-warned her, "Does it matter that my injuries are mainly physical?" She responded in the negative.

What I did in P.T.

I began the case study today. I stood up next to the walker, successfully, almost by myself, 3 times. This process was a matter of "Baby Steps" (FIGURATIVELY). I had a small amount of trouble, because, during one stand-up procedure my left wrist bent the wrong way. OUCH!

FURTHER PROGRESS

So, I just brushed MY OWN TEETH...MYSELF...in my shower chair, so I was unstable.
That's about it. But, I consider this a big deal. If you don't concur, then WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!

"There's no news, quite like good news, unless it's Gary Guh-nooz!"

I have a bit of a 'bad news sandwich'. ('good news'-'bad news'-'good news') DON'T get hungry! 1) I, successfully, showed the new P.T. student how I can lean on either elbow,while on the mat. 2) I urinated SO MUCH, in the urinal, this morning, that some overflowed onto my bed. I could have sung, "Let the RAIN fall down on me!" 3) Oh yeah! Did I mention that I beat the new P.T. student 4 games to love (0, in tennis jargon) at Connect 4? Then, I told her, "Hey! If you mess with the bull, you get the horns. I hope she, internally, said, "Lesson learned."

random

"Uh-oh, FART!"--'Rain Man'
No, seriously. I am done for the day, in honor of Labor Day. I did do some eating in Speech Therapy.
That's about it, for now. I'll keep you abreast. NOT LITERALLY! I am a NOT obese man!
Also, seriously...I did fart...TWICE. NO SHAME!

what I've been doing...

I keep beating 'Sudoku' on my computer, and these are some names I have used:
YEAH, I'm THAT good!
YAWN!
That just happened!

RANDOM

Grant asked me if I would prefer the same staff member or a random worker. My answer was PRO-RANDOM, so we could shoot the (proverbial) shit'. I changed my answer. The other day, I overheard a staff woman tell another staff member, "Well, I don't know how to do that." We're talking about my safety! Doesn't this place do any kind of screening/training?!?!

Guest Post: To Stand, to Pivot, No More!

Grant here, once again. I have one more thing to add about my last visit.

On Monday (the 30th), AJ was preparing to transfer from his chair to the table mat during PT. He did most of the preparatory things himself, like locking his wheel locks (well, the left one is still a bit of a reach), taking off his seat belt, and scooting forward to put his butt closer to the edge of the chair. As he was sitting there, his chair right up against the mat and the mat positioned a few inches below the plane of his chair, I said to the PT that it really looked as if AJ could just hop on over to the mat. She agreed.

Well, it was not easy, and it certainly wasn't a hop, but AJ made it onto the mat without having to do a stand and pivot with someone! He required minimal assistance with some of his scoots. It was slow going and even a bit agonizing. He wasn't even happy, because pain built up in his left knee through all the effort. But damn if he didn't make it from sitting in his chair over to sitting on the mat under his own power. I couldn't believe it. It was transformative.

I have to stress that it took time. AJ had to lean out really far with his right arm onto the mat and push up with his legs, moving himself from chair to mat three to six inches at a time (and a little farther on the one or two scoots where he had help). Each time in between scoots, he wanted to reposition his feet or point his feet in a more appropriate direction. Then he'd scoot again. Imagine getting out your bed in the morning (a comparable task), only you do it in several stages over the period of three to five minutes, having to think about every major movement you're making, and finding a few stable midpoints where you can rest before moving on to the next stage. It's a chore.

AJ did it. And the next day he did it again, but he needed more assistance and was fighting greater fatigue. The encore wasn't as pretty, maybe even a step back. The take-away, however, is that once it's proven possible, it's no longer impossible. That Monday saw the forward scout of an invading army of independent transfers. Now we're in the lull between the scout and the main forces. It might be a slow invasion, but it will be transformative.



By the way, the title to this post is a reference to Billy Madison's rendition of Hamlet's most famous soliloquy, though Billy is holding a skull, which is from the less famous "Alas, poor Yorick" speech two acts later.

CLARIFICATION

I didn't mean my "SICKOS!" comment on my last post as a bad thing. I just don't swing that way! Hey, whatever floats your boat! I'm not a judger!

More progress

Grant--my best buddy who built this blog--and I, today, practiced my bed rolling. No, I was ALONE in my bed. He merely supervised from standing next to the bed...SICKOS! "Alliteration aside..."--'Dodgeball' I'd say this "...is a step in the right direction." Figuratively...since I told him that I only had minimal pain during the said rolls. And, it was only during my preparatory setup, BEFORE the actual roll.

Guest Post: Grant at FINR

It's only the first day of my visit here at FINR, but I had to write to convey how impressed I am with AJ's progress since my last visit. Once I mentioned that I would be writing about what I saw, AJ insisted that I write about it tonight, which was actually a concession to his first idea, that I write this blog post while I was still at FINR. What a ham. But he's excited about the progress he's making––as well he should be!––as you can tell from the last two blog posts he's written.

This visit comes over a month after my previous visit, so I'm in a perfect position to see short-term progress, which more frequent visits make difficult to discern.

In speech therapy, AJ practiced speaking, swallowed food, and did inhalation / exhalation exercises. His speaking is much improved since the last time I was here! There are caveats, of course. He sounded great in the morning, but by the end of the day the clarity was gone. This is good, though. It means that his therapists (and his guests) are asking of him as much as they can in a given day. When he's that tired, we really can't ask much more. When it was clear, I could listen to him say a word and think, "That was either 'like' or 'hike,'" instead of thinking, "Well, that could have been anything." I was very encouraged by what I saw. He's not going to be entering any oratory contests any time soon, but he's making marked progress.

In physical therapy, AJ is being asked to do nearly every part of a transfer, except for the all important stand and pivot, which he needs someone there to execute with him. Once AJ was on the mat table, I saw him slowly transition himself from a seated position to the prone position with minimal assistance and guidance. When on his back, he was tasked with rolling onto his left side (the easier of the two directions, because the right side of his body is stronger). Once he had a little practice with it, he could roll to the left unassisted, and the PT even added some resistance so AJ had to work even harder to roll over. He did this for the first time last week, I was told. When AJ was rolling onto his right side, he needed a decent amount of assistance and guidance, but after many, many times, he did manage a very impressive unassisted roll onto his right side. I was motivating him from the sidelines by telling him that since F=ma (Force = mass * acceleration) he needed to really accelerate at the beginning of his roll or it wasn't going to work. The physics nerd in him enjoyed this, and I think it helped.

Then AJ, again largely unassisted, transitioned from prone to a seated position, where he showed off his posture, which has come a long way to really look like the genuine article. He's sticking his chest out (like a small-breasted stripper), and there's no comparison to how he used to sit, when his back was more like the arc of a wagon wheel rather than its current straight as a plank alignment. This is a pretty new development. While seated, AJ was tasked with leaning forward, out of his comfort zone in order to punch a foam ball dangling from an arm stand. AJ went to the extra effort of "chambering" his punches and exhaling on each punch. This is karate 101. He sometimes missed the ball because he wasn't leaning forward far enough, but, on the other hand, what really impressed me was when he did hit the ball and set it in motion, AJ could then accurately punch a swinging target. This requires a fair amount of coordination, timing, and speed. He's moving his arm fast enough and at the correct time in order to hit the ball squarely and keep it in motion. I saw him do this several times, and he seemed to really enjoy it.

AJ had his grip tested In occupational therapy. It was impressive, but I really only mention it because by this point AJ knew I'd be writing this blog post and told me to include this. He now has a PR department, it seems. The handheld device was two metal grips connected by two parallel poles, with a round gage at the top. The averages of three super intense grips by each hand were: 

Left Hand 26.666 repeating &

Right Hand 38

When I told AJ that these numbers would mean nothing to his readers and that they meant basically nothing to me, even though I was there seeing how hard he was trying, he asked the therapy student to get last week's numbers. So, by comparison, his previous grip test averages were:

Left Hand: 23 &

Right Hand: 26

Suddenly, those numbers meant something. That's some mighty fine improvement.

"...workin'...for the weekend"

Today, in P.T., I did some sitting lunges, while on the mat. I had to maintain good posture, with my neck straight and my head up. My Physical Therapist even made an analogy to stick my chest out further. She told me to pretend I'm a small-breasted stripper, and I should just show the goods. Her words, not mine. Come on! Be professional! I know that she (my P.T.) meant nothing by it. But, "...it's the principal!"--me. I said that when I, visibly perturbed, when I got home, after receiving ONLY a 'B+' on a project in an accelerated Master's program.
I also punched the air. I did the punches correctly, with both proper breathing and proper chamber...

I'm improving....

Come on! Get excited!
Today, I practiced shaving (The electric razor was OFF! Come on! I can't take any chances with this face! Have you seen it?!?!) and brushing my teeth. I even put the toothpaste on.

IMPROVEMENT!

Come on, get excited! Today, in Physical Therapy, I did knee raises, from my chair, with my left leg, with a 3 lb. weight wrapped around my left ankle.
In Speech Therapy, I did the breather, off and on, for about 15 minutes...

I just had to get it in

"My main man, Vern...V-E-R-N--Vern."--'Rain Man'

Strangely, no quotes

Today, in Physical Therapy, I was read (CORRECTION! That was passive voice.) (I listened to) both my short-term and long-term goals, and we practiced my instructions for my transfers.

I am a real-life 'Rain Man'

"Gotta have 12 cheeseballs."

"The question is 'Can you deal with THAT?'"

I forgot from where I got that quote, but "it's the principle". Okay, okay. That last quote was from me, when I got home, visibly upset, after I received a B+ in an accelerated Master's Program.
I haven't posted in a while, because I have been a little 'down in the dumps' lately. The Minnesota Twins baseball team have been in a bit of a rut, lately, but they won today, so now, I'm better. I hope that I didn't just jinx them (crossing my fingers).
I promised that I would give a shout-out to my grandmother 'cuz she is recently celebrating her 90th birthday. (upside-down exclamation point) Feliz Cumplean(~ above the 'n')os!
Later gator!

A Real-Life Rain Man

I really do feel like a real-life 'Rain Man'.  I see so many "shenanigans" that other patients pull that I feel like they're driving me CRAZY.  Alright, alright, ALRIGHT!  Who's gonna pistol-whip me ('Super Troopers')?!  
   Pi = 3.141592654.  "Hot water burn baby!"  "Nurse Ratchett, I want MY cigarettes!"  "I'm TIRED.  I'm so TIRED!"  "82...82...82--246."  "Ha!  Charlie Babbit made a joke!"  "Ray, did you fart?!..."  "I don't mind it."
   Okay, those quotes weren't all made by Raymond Babbit.  But y'all get the idea...

My biznass

I'm sorry about the delay. I gotta keep up with my homiez. Plus, I like to keep y'all guessin'.
Today, I went into town (with Leeann) and got my hair cut. Plus, after the trim, Leeann and I went out to her car, and I, yet again, almost got her arrested! She used her car door as a blocker, while I used my urinal.
Yesterday, me and Leeann (excuse me, Leeann and I) filled out a survey of F.I.N.R.
I can't think of anything else just yet...
On Sat Jul 3rd, 2010 10:55 AM EDT Grant wrote:
>How about an update on your blog?
>
>Pretty Please

STRANGE

Well, what do 'ya wanna know?! It is pretty much "same sh--, different day."
My best friend, Grant, is here, and he will stay until tomorrow.
That's about it, for now, strangely, I'm not verbose. TODAY!

Guest Post: The Flying Trapeze

I (Grant) asked Leeann to explain a little bit more about the trapeze that AJ mentioned in the last post.

From what I understand, by trapeze we are talking about a free-swinging triangular metal handle suspended from a suitably strong structure above his bed.

Leeann's words reproduced, in part, below:

Trapeze 411:

The staff still needs to be trained on how to use this effectively with AJ. Wendy [AJ's PT] is in the process of putting together a "protocol" for the trapeze. 

When AJ is in bed, he helps me [or whoever is attending him] with the following while using the trapeze:

Scooting himself up in bed

Moving himself over in bed (left or right)

He also uses his feet to assist with moving up and over.
He grabs the trapeze with his right arm only.

At this time, for safety, AJ is only using the Trapeze with assistance from the staff or his knowledgeable visitors.

The 4-1-1 on ME

First of all, I'm with my honey, Leeann.  So, anyone who wants the shugah, best be steppin'.  TANGENT!!!  I do have a trapeze-like device above my bed to help me with my bed maneuverability.       I'm gettin' kinda thirsty.  "Got any White Russians?"  "How 'bout a sassparila?"  "Sioux City sassparila?"  Until another day...

"The Big Lebowski" -- yet again

I honestly think that some of the staff here are Nihilists. "They were Nihilists, Walter? "They were threatening castration! (Do) ya' wanna split hairs here? Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, at least it's an e-thought!"
I'm gettin' kinda thirsty. "Got any White Russians?" "How 'bout a sassparila?" "Sioux City Sassparila?" "That's a goodone..."

[I'm not sure if "e-thought" is supposed to be a pun on anything or conjure up the image of robotic thinking or is simply an error on AJ's part, but the real word from the movie is "ethos." - Grant]

Guest Post: Counting Cards

I (Grant) asked AJ in an email if he wanted to go into detail for his readers about his card counting exploits, and he responded:

I don't remember EXACTLY what we did since memory isn't my forte'.  (Spelling, Leeann...) But, if I quoted my accuracy, my astute friend, Grant, pointed out that I ONLY got 10 out of the displayed 12 cards correct.

If MY memory serves me right, and that's a big IF, several months ago I showed AJ five random playing cards all at once for about ten or fifteen seconds. I took them away and asked him to tell me what cards they were. He got all five correct. Then I remember stepping it up a little to seven or eight cards. Same idea. And AJ got five or six correct. If he remembers getting 10 out of 12 too, I totally believe him. I just don't remember it.
At the time, AJ's joke du jour was that we should take him to Vegas because he would be able to secretly count cards and therefore bankrupt a casino. ...Of course.

As a related aside, AJ astutely (to borrow a word) pointed out that in the movie The Hangover there is a direct "visual quote" (my term) from the movie Rain Man. When Allen––who intends to count cards in Vegas (and does successfully)––descends the escalator to the casino floor, the shot looks exactly like the shot from Rain Man. It's not really subtle, but for those unfamiliar with Rain Man, it's easy to miss.
Thank you, Mr. Movie Man.

See for yourself.

Rain Man

"82 82 82...246" "Ray, what are you doin'?" "Countin'" "Mam, how many matches are in the box?" "250." "That's pretty close, Ray, pretty close." "There's 4 left..."
I feel like a real-life Rain Man. I constantly help staff with math. Also, I, like Raymond Babbitt, am in a type of mental facility. Also again, I have demonstrated that I can count cards--to an extent. Uh oh, more numbers! Pi = 3.141592654

Quotes as to how I'm doin'

I have noticed that my left arm and left leg are moving better. But, I have noticed that many workers here are very, "My rules or go home!" Kinda Nazi-esque..."They were Nazis, Walter?" "They were threatening castration!...'We gonna split hairs?" ..."Care for another Caucasian, Dude?" "Sure, got another White Russian?"
I'm too tired to write anymore...Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out...

The Goods

Hey ladies! Get ready to make yourself at home, because I heard that Grant just got a new house right by da beach... .
TANGENT! This blog is supposed to be about me! Grant, you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm The Dude, so that's what you call me. That, or His Dudeness...or Duder...or El Dude-areeno, if you're not into the whole brevity thing. Thanks for your time.

MORE movie quotes, all from The Big Lebowski

The DUDE abides to all those out there who read my blog. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm The DUDE, so that's what you call me. That, or His Dudeness, or Dooder,...or el Doodarino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing. I'm kinda thirsty...I could go for a Caucasian/White Russian.
All you readers are collectively referred to as The Stranger.

A Clarification

[Regarding the previous post, I asked AJ to clarify for us what he was perturbed by. This was his response. - Grant]

Dear Special Friend (but NOT in a gay way),

   I was/am perturbed that staff constantly contradict each other!  I'm sorry for my foul language.  I'm better than that...

Hope the 4-1-1 helped,
A.J.

The Movie References Begin...

Dear Blog,

   This wedding (situation) is horse sh--!  --Step-Brothers.  Pardon my language, but I am a little perturbed with how things are handled here [at FINR - Grant].  Good night, Sweet Prince! --Walter Sobchek

AJ's First Post: Booyah!

Here's my first post:  Just wanted to give a shout-out to all my homees in da hood!  That's short for neighborhood for y'all not from da streets (LEEANN, who is MY GIRL, so anyone got beef with her, you bets be steppin'!  Homee don't play!  Alright, enuf gangstah talk.  Here's the 4-1-1 (for those of you not jiggy with the numbahs (Leeann!), Here's da biznass)): I am seeing some improvement.  I have gotten more movement from both my left arm and my left leg.  The staff here have even agreed.  YAWN!  I am a little tired of being an anomaly, because I have to both see and hear about all of the violence that other patients are causing.  Until next post...

The AJ Blog Launches!

Welcome to AJ's blog.

I'm Grant. I'll be administrating and copyediting this blog. [And I may poke my nose into some of AJ's posts with little editorial additions like this one. - Grant]

You can also expect some guest posts from me, Leeann, and Martha. They'll all begin with "Guest Post:" to keep the non-AJ authors clearly separate.

That's right. This is AJ's blog. The content will come straight from him to this blog via email.

The general purpose of this blog is largely To Be Determined, but in any case the point is to allow AJ to voice himself directly to you, his friends and family.